Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Six Years....Still A Battle

This day six years ago, I was at my rock bottom. I was cloudy headed, ashamed, embarrassed, and yet still in some denial as to the gravity of my addiction. I had spent the last year spiraling slowly out of control. Unable to deal with the pain of my son's diagnosis and the turn that my life had taken because of it. Alcohol had been my coping mechanism off and on for years to help me deal with pain from my past, but this was the worst it had gotten.

On that morning my addiction and the consequences of it slapped me right in the face. There was no denying that it had taken over my life and I had lost all self control. It is amazing how quickly you can fall in the course of a year's time. My husband was hurt, and upset. Showing me my son's sleeper covered in vomit from me throwing up as I rocked him to sleep. Giving me an ultimatum. Get into recovery, or I could lose him and my son.  I thank The Lord that I was ready to say yes. That there was no denying anymore that he was right.

Now, six years later to the day, I woke up to the sweet chatter of my amazing 3 year old who I never thought I wanted because I was so fearful of the possibilities of having another child with Autism.

I woke up next to my husband who truly is my best friend and love of my life. The man who challenges me to be a better person through encouragement and praise even when I feel like I am a failure.

I woke up to my Andrew, who surprises me daily with the things he has accomplished and the hardships he has overcome that we never thought possible. His level of patience and endurance with the people of this world and their inability to understand him humbles me to my core.

All of this I would have missed, had I not made a choice to live differently that awful day 6 years ago.

It has been very hard. This year I have wanted to drink more times than I would care to admit. Especially these last couple months. They have been brutal. The trials I have endured have tested me and tempted me more than any of the years prior. Reminding me that I am only one drink away from being back where I was, even with so much time under my belt. It keeps me on my game. Ever vigilant to the triggers that have controlled me so many times in the past. It has required me to say no more often, establish more boundaries, and ask for help when I can't keep going on my own strength.

Every single day that I say no to the voice in my head telling me to take a drink, I win. I am alive. I am grateful for the second chance to grasp onto everything beautiful and wonderful in my life. Aware and present for the good and the bad. Nothing is more important than my sobriety. Because without it, I know that I would lose all that is precious to me in an instant. 

I thank God for giving me the strength to continue this battle. It's been six years. But in many ways, it is just the beginning.