Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Dare To Believe

Life has been hard these last few months.

Very hard.

Unbelievably hard.

We have been thrown some huge curve balls. Ones we never expected. In an instant, everything changed. Our plans for our future were placed on hold. Don't get me wrong. I know we are lucky. I know we are blessed. And there are so many that are suffering so much more than we are. But when you are in the midst of trials, it is hard to see the bigger picture all the time.

We are human. We are weak. We sometimes do not see past our circumstances. We get angry. We lose faith. We get beaten down day after day and it is hard to see the end of the tunnel.

My amazing husband was injured at work back in May and has been struggling with pain and numbness in his arms, hands, and now feet. He has had one major surgery which required the removal of discs in his spine and the addition of bone grafts, plates, and screws to stabilize his spinal cord. He did not improve as expected and next week he has to go under the knife again for a second spine surgery to try to relieve the pressure on his spinal cord and surrounding nerves.

He is broken.

Physically and mentally.

When you are in that place, it is hard to find hope. It is hard to make any sense of why something like this happened to you. In an instant, he was robbed of his ability to care for his wife and children. He has been forced to sit in a chair most days while his body is working against him. Constant pain and an inability to sleep day after day has really taken its toll on him. He tries to hold it together, but a person can only take so much.

Yesterday Bryan and I had a conversation. About why God allows things to happen. Why He isn't healing Bryan. Why He isn't answering our prayers. Deep down I know that God always answers prayers. Sometimes the answer is just "Not now".

I have been holding it together for all of us. Barely. Through the injury, surgery, sickness, Drew's regression recently, and our beloved cat's death last week. I have been applying for jobs for months with absolutely no luck. It seems like one thing after another. I am normally a pretty unemotional person. Strong to a fault. A logical thinker. I just keep going. I have to.

Till today.

A song came on the radio. One that broke me down. Made me feel the pain. The exhaustion. The questions of why.

"Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you?
If there's a God who loves you, where is he now?
Or maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening to bring a better ending
Someday, somehow you'll see. You'll see.

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning"

I realized today that I have been angry, and tired, and felt alone in the midst of all of the trials lately. God reminded me that He does have a plan, and that I need to wait and trust that He has this. I am carrying the weight of a battle I can't fight. We have no control in this situation. But God does. Even if we don't see it. Even if His timing is not what we want. Even if His answer is "not now". 

It doesn't mean He isn't there.

It doesn't mean He doesn't care that we are hurting.

It means He has a plan that we can't see. The future is unknown. This is where faith comes into play. 

Most of the time we can look back on a time in our life that was hard and see the reasoning for it. We can find the positive in it. The lessons we learned from it. But in the present time of the trial we experience worry, fear, and endless questions.  

Rarely do I feel that God speaks directly to me in his still, small voice.  Maybe I am just not listening most of the time because I am always trying to do everything on my own.....in my own strength. Today was one of those rare times where I know He was trying to tell me something. 

"Trust me. Believe that I have something coming that is better than what you are dealing with in the present." 

Today I listened.

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