Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Grace

Last night was rough. 

Ok, I'll be honest, the last couple of months have been rough.

Drew has been really struggling ever since I had to go back into the work force, which is something that could not be foreseen or stopped. Life happens. Bryan sustained an injury so serious that he is unable to work for an unknown amount of time.

Drew has always had me around. From the moment his eyes opened in the morning to the moment they closed at night, I have always been the constant in his life. With all of the changes of therapists, schools, schedules, etc....he always knew that Mama would be there to help him ride the waves of uncertainty.

All of that changed on December 10th 2014. The day that I started working full time after 10+ years being a stay at home mom. 

Even though Dada has now taken on the stay at home parent role and is doing an excellent job (better than me as far as I am concerned), he is not me. And to Drew, this makes life very hard. He is sad. He is angry. He is insecure. 

I feel awful. 

I can't be there when he is having a hard day. I can't be there to stop him from hitting himself when he is upset. I can't be there to wipe his tears of sadness and frustration when he cannot say the words in his mind he so desperately wants to share.

I feel helpless at work when I know that he is struggling and I have to continue to do the things that need to get done here. I have to trust that he will be okay. That Bryan can handle it. I know he can. But the mommy part of me hurts that I can't comfort my child. I worry that he feels abandoned by me. He doesn't understand why things had to change. I hope someday he will be able to.

Last night.....really the last few months of nights off and on, Drew struggled to go to sleep. He is fighting sleep. Literally. He cries, and cries, and yells repeating whatever consoling words I say to him, and cries some more. He pees his bed as soon as I leave the room and his bedding has to be changed multiple times a night. We have tried everything we can think of the last couple of years to fix this behavior but nothing has helped. The other night he cried for 2 hours straight until he fell asleep due to pure exhaustion. I read to him, sang him songs, held him, wiped his tears, and told him "mama is here, mama's got you" over and over...but nothing consoles him. We have talked to doctors, done testing of all kinds, adjusted his sleep supplements, tried new things, tried old things, and nothing works.

Some nights I respond to this the way I should. With patience, love, consoling words, and more patience. Other nights when I am exhausted from my own busy day I respond to him with irritation, anger, frustration, and impatience. And then the guilt follows. I hate myself for not being able to control my reactions. I know in my mind that Drew can't help the way that he is. He is going through something and he is not wanting to have the problems he is having. He doesn't like not being able to sleep, or to cry so hard that he struggles to breathe. I know this. But sometimes I am weak. More often than I would like. 

After a long struggle to get him to sleep last night, I came out of the room and sat down with my phone. A message came to me over Facebook from an online friend that follows my blog and my boys. It took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes.

 It started with a question. "What do you do when things get really bad?"

She went on to describe difficulties with her daughter and the hardships she and her daughter face on a daily basis. She asked me how I cope, and stated her fear that she is not a strong enough mom for her daughter.

I wanted to have a brilliant answer for her. Something to encourage her about how I cope with things and something that will give her strength to get through another moment. 

But I didn't. My response was this.

"I am not strong enough. I wish I was. I try to be."

"Only God's grace sustains me. I feel guilty. I should have more patience. More strength. More endurance. I am so sorry. You are not alone. I wish I had good advice.....but I am in a broken state as well."

"I do the best I can and I feel it is never enough."

Sometimes it just has to be enough to know that you aren't alone in your struggles. That there are others out there that understand what you are going through and will support you just by listening and sharing in your struggles. 

Life is hard. It will probably always be. I just have to push on and continue battling with myself to be better for my son every single day. 

I'm gonna screw it up. 

A lot. 

But I will choose to keep trying and give myself grace along the way. 

And I hope you do the same. 


3 comments:

  1. i feel ya sister :) i'm sorry.... here is one of my faves:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfveawSAHJA

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    Replies
    1. I love that one. Listen to it all the time. <3

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  2. I too get like this... like this morning, when I was soooo patient for so long... and then I snapped... and I sometimes wonder if my mr7 asd child is purposely trying to get me snap!!

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